The Painful Truth is…

December 4, 2009 at 8:06 pm (Children, The current guy)

I’m not happy.  I don’t think I am capable of being happy or having a relationship.  My boyfriend and I fight alot lately…. over my kids.  Frankly, I am ready to throw in the towel.  I am tired of fighting with men.  Fuck them, Fuck them all.  I only find glimpses now of what I loved about our relationship.  I hate what it has become.

I’ve made alot of mistakes and it seems I continually choose men that are not suited for me.  He use to be so much fun and laid back, now when my children come over, he’s turned into someone I don’t like.  While I agree with some things he points out, I don’t like the way he talks to them sometimes.  I am at my breaking point.  WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS??

I sold my house, we’ve moved.  It’s been difficult for me letting go of my old house, I was in it 15+ years.   I had to sell it due to my ex, so I am still dealing with alot of anger over that.  For some reason I seem to think I can’t survive on my own.  Other women do it… Why can’t I?  I am angry with myself, disappointed in myself.

I am at a loss.

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It’s been awhile…

May 16, 2009 at 6:16 pm (Children, Divorce, Husband #2 aka Dumbass, The current guy, Trust)

Much has been going on.  I am going back to court with my ex.  I really despise this man.  I am irritated to no end by my boyfriend lately.  I am tired of feeling like a maid.  I am in the midst of PMS right now.

Funny, my 2nd ex tried to tell me that I was mentally ill.  PMS is a mental illness?  His mother, err I was told for a number of years, she was supposedly a retired psychologist… turns out when we went to court a few years ago, she’s the equivalent to a nurse practitioner in the psychiatric field.  So apparently he is a psycho-analyst specialist then.  For years I put up with him telling me I was crazy, psycho or we’d have an argument and he’d go cry to his momma and come back with a diagnosis of what was wrong with me.  I started to believe them at some of my lowest points.  I know that relationship was more harmful than good to me.  He was a control freak, he doesn’t think he is, but he is.  He hides behind his mother.

I realize it’s hard for men to understand PMS.  Us women, who suffer from it, really have no control over it.  It’s hormonal.  Our bodies go through such major changes.  It’s really unfair.  When I am pms’ing, the snide remarks my boyfriend makes … oh shit…watch out.  Angers me, because he’s not being sensitive to my situation at all.  It’s not like I choose to be this way.  It’s upsetting to me, beyond words… I feel utterly alone during this time.  I feel like no one could possibly understand what it is I am experiencing.  I hate it, and I hate myself during this time.

Stress…  I have been stressed so much lately.  That magnifies my pms.  The stress comes from…… you got it…. the 2nd ex.  I really don’t want to type out the extent of our battle right now.  But it has to do with children, money and my house, which pretty much is money & house tied together.  I’m tired of him, so very tired of him.  He sucks so much life, joy & happiness out of me and yet I know it boils down to control.  I let him do this too, and it’s time to stop it once and for all.  I think that is why I have a tough time trusting.

For instance, I know my curret guy loves me, but I doubt the sincerity of it all.  I always think he’s not being totally honest or sincere.  I think why does he love me?  How can he love me?  I’m a horrible person, I’ve done and said horrible things, especially to him …  I don’t get it.  He’s still here… am I trying to run him off… convince him that, see I am no good.  You deserve better.  I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I’m one of those women that is incapable of loving and is just better off alone.

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March 23, 2009 at 4:20 pm (Cleanse, Weight)

Today I am starting a cleanse, it’s a 5 day cleanse.  I am hoping to get back on track with my eating.  You see, I use to be 220lbs at one time.  I wasn’t always overweight, it was a horrible few years, grief, bad marriage and post-partum.  Not a good combo.

A few years ago, I was fed up with my weight, being tired, uncomfortable and just downright unhappy.  I went back to school and I ended up losing 65lbs in about 5 months, another 30 in the next 5 months.  I felt fabulous!  I did it all on my own.

Over a year ago, my guy moved in with me.  You know how it is, you get comfortable, plus there has been some stress and I’ve gained back at least 20lbs.  sighs  I am miserable.  I hate myself.  Everyone tells me you look good! You don’t need to lose weight but I’m like… wait… do you remember how I use to look?  I don’t want to end up there again, so I have to nip it in the bud now.

I’ve let my eating, just like a lot of other things, get out of control again.  It’s been frustrating, to say the least.  I was happier when I was thinner and I try not to blame my guy but in some ways, he definitely doesn’t help.  He’s always tempting me with foods I shouldn’t eat.  It’s hard to get through his head, that not everyone can eat the same kind of foods and have the same effects.  He doesn’t get the fact that it all effects each of us differently, why?  because we aren’t all the same!!!!!!  MEN!  That’s another rant for another day… focusing on weight here.

So today I started a cleanse, a friend of mine did it and lost 7lbs in 5 days.  He said he felt so good, didn’t crave carbs.  That’s my problem… carbs.  I LOVE THEM!  I’ve totally let my appetite take control and now it’s time for me to take it back.  Hopefully I will get the results I need, get back some energy and move forward motivated to lose ALL the weight I have gained back and get toned up again.  Being over 40 SUCKS!

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On Depression

March 22, 2009 at 5:54 pm (Depression, Exercise)

Depression has chased after me for a number of years.  With all that I have been through, it’s no wonder.  I did succumb to it previously, I let it consume me.  The past year I have felt it on my heels.  I refuse to give in to it and I refuse to take prescription drugs.  I’ve been down that route and it’s just a bandaid, when it doesn’t deal with the real source of it.

It’s like this black cloud that is shadowing me.  I run from it, seeking refuge where I can.  My refuge of late, is my office.  I can come here and not be bothered by anyone.  I like that.  Here is my own sacred place.  I came here the other night when I got mad at my guy.  I really don’t like to say boyfriend because that just sounds funny, he’s in his 50’s for pete’s sake, he’s not a boy at all.  I call him my guy.  That sounds strange too… anyways… I came here the other night and it was nice to remove myself from that situation and just be alone and no one bothering me.

Before I had my office, I use to just go for walks, that was my refuge.  I want that back too, my walks were good.  Fresh air, clear the head a bit and get the body circulation going.  I think that’s been my problem of late too, I haven’t been exercising.  Hopefully though with the warm weather, I will be motivated to get out more.  I brought my walking shoes to my office so I could get for walks in between clients.  I think that will be good for me.

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Where do I begin?

March 21, 2009 at 2:14 am (Children, Divorce, Family, Husband #1, Husband #2 aka Dumbass, Marriage, Religion, The current guy, Trust)

Wow, I’ve been wanting to do this for sometime, and now I am doing it.  I am going to write down all my adventures & experiences, may they be happy or sad, but alas, I can get them out here, anonymously.

So first I’d like to talk a little bit about myself.  I’ll give a little bit about me and I will definitely elaborate more in upcoming posts.

I am in my 40’s.  I have been divorced twice, and I am currently in a relationship.  I have 4 beautiful children from my previous marriages.  2 boys and 2 girls.   All are complete joys of my life and honestly, they are my only reason for being.

I have extended family that lives out of state, I don’t talk to any of them but my father and younger sister.  That part of my life has been traumatic and painful.  Sometimes I am at peace, sometimes I want to scream and shout and call them all complete hypocrites.  Well, being hypocrites, that approach would do no good.  My beloved mother is deceased, as well as a brother.  This too has been difficult.  I sometimes feel like I am the only one in the world and no one understands the depth of my pain.

I am an incest survivor.  That’s all I will say about that right now.

I suffer from severe PMS.  I am irrational and just down right pissed off most of the time.  So those days I just want to be left alone.  Of course with children that is impossible.

I was raised in a split faith family.  My father was Catholic, my mother was a Jehovah’s Witness.  No wonder I’m so screwed up. heh  Needless to say I am tainted when it comes to religion.  I believe you can be spiritual without being religious.  Religion has been overwrought with man’s views.  I was raised a Witness and I left when I was 18.  To this day, I have control issues, meaning, if someone tries to control me, I bolt.  My last husband was a control freak and sometimes I think my current s/o has controlling tendencies, or maybe I’m just paranoid.

I’m quiet at times, reserved and at other times I can be opinionated, stubborn and down right rebellious.  I know… rebellious? still at 40?  I try to be open-minded with all walks of life, I try not to be judgmental.  But really every time we label someone it’s a judgement.   So I guess I should say I try not to be judgmental in a negative way.

I cheated on both of my husbands.  Not a good record is it?  Will I cheat again?  God I hope not, it’s too much work and takes way too much energy to be creative in the lying.  I don’t talk much about my infidelities to people, hell it’s obvious I cheated but really, who wants to talk about them to people you know?  I hate the cliche “once a cheater, always a cheater.”  Ugh, I don’t believe that to be true.  You can never make that statement about someone until you’ve walked in their shoes and understood why they did what they did.

My first husband was the all around great guy, everyone liked him.  Hard worker, good provider, never said anything bad about anyone.  Liked by one and all…  So why did I cheat?  He lacked in communicating, and romance, and I got bored.  I know bad reason to cheat.  I will say he was a workaholic and I was alone alot.  So was I neglected?  maybe to some degree, but after awhile I gave up caring.  I hurt this man deeply.  But on a good note, we have mended our fences and are terrific friends.  In fact, we’ve double-dated lol  At this point in my life, I can honestly say, he is the only one I trust completely.

My 2nd husband.  Whew, I don’t know if I can write too much about him right now.  I refer to him as dumbass and that’s what he’ll be known as here.  Ooops I’ve just made a judgement… no wait he earned that one.  I am still dealing with some bitterness from that marriage/divorce.  There are remnants yet of the divorce I am dealing with.  This is the relationship that has changed my views on trust and respect.  I don’t trust people and I question their sincerity.  I’ve experienced first hand, someone saying one thing and then doing something so painful just out of spite and revenge.  I trusted and believed when I should have questioned and protected myself. My 2nd husband I met in a chatroom.  He still goes to one or two or more, I don’t know and really, I don’t care.

My current relationship… somedays I’m not so sure I want it. I also met him in a chatroom. Oh I love the guy.  He’s great to me and my kids.  ITrust is a real struggle for me here.  I hate chatrooms.  I know I use to go them, but if I could turn back time.  I would have never downloaded any of them.  This is a real issue for me.

Ok I need to end this here and get some work done.

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